Well this last week has been weird for me. Long story short I’ve been feeling pretty crappy about myself. It started with the official end to my first year of college. And like always with endings, I reflected. For some reason I couldn’t really appreciate the positives as much as I wallowed in the negatives-the regrets. I’d rather not go into detail about this though.
Then came tuesday morning- when I broke down crying before heading into college. The reason for this will sound a little shallow but the tears were triggered by my hair. As I mentioned in my march reflection post I got my hair cut. However, since then I just haven’t been happy with it. It doesn’t feel nice and I don’t tend to like how it looks and think about this throughout the day. I know reading this you’re probably thinking oh my god get over yourself, there are people who are suffering and your bothered about your hair-how pathetic. And yes I totally agree its ridiculous. Along with this issue that morning I was upset about my appearance-my skin.
I decided the day before not to bother doing my makeup because there was no point- I’m not good at doing makeup and I would probably look better without it #freshfaced. Hahah no that is not how it was on tuesday morning. To say the least I looked like crap! I had circles under my eyes, red patches on my cheeks ad dry eye lids. To top it off I picked the MOST casual outfit- I looked like such a slob.
So there you had me- with messy hair (greasy I’ll admit and the damn dry shampoo failed me #typical) , THE most laid back look and the look of death (because on day two study week had already killed me). I was sick of myself. Sick of not liking what I say in the mirror. I never used to be like this but I knew what had made me become this way. One word. College.
Don’t get me wrong I believe people when they say this is the high point of your life-studying what you love-meeting new people-trying new things and having the least amount of responsibilities you’ll probably ever have. However, maybe just in my case, but suddenly I am the most aware I’ve ever been of my appearance. I went from never wearing makeup during the week, wearing a uniform everyday and not really taking myself too seriously when it came to my hair and as for skin well sure it was grand for school. I went to an all girls school so this was kind of standard- we all looked ok at best so why bother worrying, we didn’t need to impress each other.
But college is a whole other story. There is no uniform its the ultimate free for all, wear what you want. We each have our own take on this, but I’ll probably get into this in more detail in another post- the college observation. So lads I feel like, are forever checking girls out- who/what they like. I think I’m just a blur here. Then there’s the fact that girls care about how they look and we’re judgemental, put that together and you have me so self-conscious about how I look and what others will think. It’s exhausting. Usually I’m grand but this week it reached a high.
I didn’t really want anyone to see me. I didn’t want to see myself. I had my cry, got a hug from my mom and then pulled myself together and put it to the back of my mind. I let myself wallow when I got home. This sort of routine continued for the week. And during this week of wallowing I decided to make it worse by eating crap- I ‘ve already noticed a weight gain why I decided to add to this is the question of the week.
I don’t like feeling this way. I’m not the most confident person, but still I don’t get bothered by these things as much as I have these last few months and especially this last week.And that’s not ok. To re-iterate my message in my last post- you create your own happiness. No one else is going to make me feel any better about how I look, I have to do that myself. I feel like this happens with all girls. We each have that part(s) that we’re not very fond of and we’re masters at self ridicule, but we need to learn to tone it down. I think its good to be a little self aware. Keep ourselves in line, humble. But too much and it ruins us.
Next week I need to be nicer to myself, eat good foods that won’t leave me bloated and feeling huge, maybe push myself to go for more walks and definitely try new things to be happy with my skin-get that glow!
It’s tough being a girl. It’s hard not judging ourselves so much. I’ll get my mojo back and this will happen again. It’s a rough cycle. But like I said I make myself happy. If I don’t want to feel crappy than I have to do something about it.